When I was about eleven and my sister five, our family went on a vacation to Vermont. It was summertime. My dad was the kind of driver that wouldn’t stop for fear that all the cars he had passed would be passing him. Winding roads, a car with tight steering, contributed to most of my childhood feeling green with carsickness. Jostled in the back seat, trapped with a then smoking parent who couldn’t understand why I was complaining, made for some horrible memories. His idea of a vacation was more about driving through places rather than exploring them. Somehow we finally found a motel somewhere in The Valley of Stowe Vermont, complete with an indoor and outdoor swimming pool! Us kids were thrilled to have such amenities at our doorstep. I’m sure mom was happy to be out of the car too!

We enjoyed our days outside by or in the pool, between more drives that is. Mom would join us girls from time to time. The pool area played the music of the day on a loop. One song in particular played repeatedly to the point that we never wanted to hear Cat Stevens again. “Oh baby baby it’s a wild world” is how we referred to that summer trip.

Since that time the song has resurfaced on 70’s playlists around the USA and SXM. It brings back that childhood experience like it was yesterday.

The year my sister started visiting St. Martin we heard the song at the former Marty’s, next to Topper’s. We started singing along to each other. I added “the creepy hand” and soon it morphed to not only reaching in front of each other’s face but our drinks too. We bantered back and forth laughing as were reminded of that summer we shared so long ago. It makes us think of each other no matter how far apart we are. I even had Bill video me trying to sing karaoke to it at the yellow sub in Orient Village, (One and done).

Recently at the Coda bar, “Alfredo” performed his version of the song. Bill caught me singing along and made a short video for my sister.

The song from it’s annoying beginnings, became a theme for us on St. Martin. It now represents something very special for us in particular and spilled onto our family as well.

Starry eyed we take our marriage vows. The future is full of promise and adventure. Always hoping for the up side of our claim to love. Through the years we develop patterns of conversation and creating space for one another. Those become habits that define the relationship. Each generation has a different way of living out what is most important to them. Roles change and sometimes it’s hard to keep up with our partner. Through working at it, love grows deeper, richer, sweeter and sometimes is still not enough to keep the partnership going. Friendship that blends laughter and trust with respect is a strong foundation that weathers many of life’s storms. There are so many ingredients that add to the beauty of a relationship. When the storms come, shelter then can be found in our partner. Tears of joy or sorrow, vulnerability with understanding and care have a safe place within the walls of this shelter.

This our twenty-second year visiting St. Martin and has been filled with joy, some hiccups and sickness. We’ve taken turns with varying degrees of intensity, duration, and symptoms. When one of us is down the other one jumps in to be the caregiver while staying strong and social. In either position we worry for the other. It becomes increasingly difficult the longer and worse the sickness is. Emotions run high. Discouragement sets in. The caregiver must also be the cheerleader. It’s an exhausting ordeal.

As visitors on St. Martin, aloneness and helplessness magnify. The weather hasn’t been cooperative either with so much rain almost daily. We were lucky this last time when friends jumped in. By taking care of me they helped to take better care of Bill. It’s great to have community in our home away from home. It was the perfect medicine to restore our bodies and souls. We received practical help like getting a ride to the doctor, sitting with us for hours, access to a washing machine for all the sweat-laden sheets and clothing, chicken soup, and protein powder to help Bill get his strength back. They staved my fears and worry, helping me to continue to serve my husband. They took me out to play and get a break to allow me to feel human again. Everyone’s thoughts and well wishes bolstered Bill to stay positive in a really bad situation.

We are both so thankful for “getting by with a little help from our friends”. Sickness is sometimes hard on a marriage. We both are emotional about the experience as it is humbling to see just how frail we are — and the gratitude in receiving outside care and help.

The devilish wind has returned. It feels cold on the beach. Orient was fun for the past few days. We played volleyball, swam, did some yoga, and listened to live evening music. The winds from last week drove ashore lots of sargassum. It also gathered in dark patches in sections of the water along the beach. The sand has been groomed though to look pristine. The winds started in earnest Saturday evening but it was already too windy to get a volleyball game going in the afternoon. A bit later Bill participated in yoga and then we headed back to our condo.

That was the precursor.

Bill relapsed complete with fever, cough, chills, and sweating. Oh how the wind howled throughout the night, making it truly feel cold.

I’m hoping he gets the rest he needs. I’ve made tea and lentil stew for later — if he can stomach it.

No Sunday funday for us at any beach. The neighbors next door are working on their unit with hammering and power tools buzzing and drilling. Between that and the chilly wind I feel my sanity slipping. I need to get away from it now! We missed so many wonderful opportunities for the day. I want Bill to get well again so we can continue our island adventure. It’s no fun without him and I hate to see him this way.

Everyone should have some younger friends. We enjoy challenging and learning from one another. It’s always a thrill to have convinced friends to come down and visit us on St. Maarten.

This crew booked with Simpson Bay Resort at our suggestion. Who doesn’t like the idea of fun at one’s fingertips? They like to gamble, coupled with restaurants all in walking distance — it’s a win win situation.

We brought them a few welcome snacks and helped them settle in. A quick visit to the Peli Deli for breakfast supplies and our guests were ready for their adventure to begin. They took advantage of Isola and the casino that night.

Every visitor has their own idea of fun and what good food is. This group was young, hip, and foodies. In seven nights and eight days we visited Bamboo, Toppers for karaoke, WAI on Orient Beach, Palapa Grill, Red Piano for Church on Monday, Karabuni on Pinel, Grand Case for a sunset stroll, Vesna Taverna, Driftwood to watch the planes, eat shawarma and drink rum punch, and tour the various beaches for sunsets. They loved the great food, beautiful beaches, and times to just relax. On Pinel we hiked the paths in search of other island views and beaches. Mary’s Boon was the last stop before the airport and the first day of the winds.

All these snapshots were enough reason for them to want to return. For so many visitors that’s all it takes for SXM to get under the skin, one visit. They take home with them photos, souvenirs, tans, and memories of a lifetime. While we wait for our next tour with new guests, we rest up!!

A couple of things happened over the span of a short time that sparked me to write this piece:

First a conference run by men to tell women how to be great again. Imagine an entire conference of “mansplaining “!

Next a guy we used to know put up a post about God’s design, once again emphasizing how woman came from man, therefore….blah, blah, blah. The same old patriarchal speak I’ve heard the greater part of my life. Let’s just say Bill and I were urged to ‘come back to the truth.’

Finally, we were watching the third season of “Anne with an E” on

Netflix, where they touched on similar subjects. The time period was the turn of the century Canada and guess who was being marginalized? Indians were called “savages”. Children were separated from their families in religious boarding schools where they were beaten and diminished into conformity. Parents were threatened with jail and had no recourse. Bigotry against blacks post slavery forced separation socially and in proximity. Guess who was forced to live in poverty? Fairness in equality was being challenged by independent-minded women. Males never lost their reputations while they could spread a damaging lie that would make a girl ineligible for marriage. Men ruled and forced daughters and wives into submissive roles. Subservient is more like it since women had no control over their life choices.

All these thoughts in my head were the perfect storm for my words, my voice raised to challenge the status quo alive and well in 2020. Enjoy!

Please tell me that certainty isn’t:

• A false sense of security
• A point to be argued to death
• Masquerading as faith
• An absolute

I am certain that gravity will bring me down, that without air I will suffocate, without food and water I will wither away, and at some point my journey will end in death. There are also many things I’m not so sure of and have no clear answers for…anymore. Oh there was a time when I thought I knew things and had answers for. I had put my trust in “religion“, and was told it was a relationship. The people speaking for God told me who “he” was/is and how to comply, especially as a woman of course. Part of being a true and faithful follower was a code of behavior and ethics — which I grew to find out were skewed. I was convinced that I had the truth, the only truth. Truth without love is just a bunch of rules for fitting in, though. The grace that was also claimed was sorely missing and that was glaringly apparent to those outside the fold. This was the whole point of the Ten Commandments, as I was taught; to prove they couldn’t be followed without grace and forgiveness.

Humans love their rituals and piety. This is where exclusion begins. Us and them turns discernment of right and wrong into judgement and intolerance. The slippery slope marginalizes and crosses a dangerous line degrading not only the recipient but the one meting out the consequences of not belonging to the tribe.

Our tribalism and social constructs make us feel safe and righteous. What we believe about others who don’t fit that certainty we have has caused wars, invited bigotry, separated family and put children in cages all in God’s name. What kind of god is that?

Another thing I’m certain of is that we often don’t get things right. Are we all children of God? Aren’t we all humans part of the creation — part of the universe? The things we believe and are convinced of have such potential for good or evil. The ripples of our actions can have continuous results. What we believe about God affects our view of nature and the planet we live on too. I came from a cult-like mindset that emphasized that the world was not my home, my final destination was all that mattered. It’s easy to see how waste and abuse of resources could follow that line of thinking. The amazing thing to me is that most sacred texts include teachings about care for the poor, the widow, orphan, the soil and farming, treatment of immigrants and how to extend hospitality, share resources, cancel debts, and ultimately how to live in harmony with people and planet. Is it any wonder that artists, poets, and philosophers bemuse and focus on such subjects? Doesn’t nature reveal itself through beauty and diversity? That may be one more thing I’m certain about.

I loved David Bowie’s song describing what love is like. We were staying in Oyster Pond in 2016 when news of his passing reached us. A past blog spoke of the relentless wind here on SXM.

The winds began three days ago and are to continue for three more. Beach days have been rearranged to find less windy, more sheltered spots. People are avoiding Orient Beach and choosing Mullet Bay and Baie Rouge. There’s a small craft advisory and day charters have been canceled. The sea is rough in the channel of Anguilla. The beaches are shorter. Only a few days ago was the sea as calm as a lake. The wildness of white caps dare entrance. The waves crash with a knowing arrogance. Churning has clouded the clarity of the water. Few sunbathers on this beach stand at the water’s edge and wait for the surf to try and reach for them.

The wind blows and a pale haze fills the sky robbing the view of full color saturation. The only positive is that the mosquitos don’t bother trying to fly in search of human blood. Long hair needs to be fastened. The terrace needs to be swept more than once. I feel the dirt land on my skin. I am almost sandblasted. I brush the grime off of my legs. It gets into my eyes, up my nose, in my hair, and in my mouth. Walking in the street or on the boardwalk is a chore as I’m pushed, prodded, and pelted. By the time i get back to the room I’m exhausted. Each morning my eyes burn and even after a shower I feel dirty.

From a protected vantage point, watching the sea is majestic. Feeling the wind for a moment on the edge of a cliff, I feel small and frail. If the wind blew me into the water I would be swallowed up and disappear. Only from a protected place is any of this beautiful.

Day in, day out, the wind does not stop. It gusts stronger at times, coming in waves. There is no reprieve from it. Rustling through the trees and hissing in my ears the wild, relentless wind won’t stop.

I think of Irma, having heard the stories of the strength and speed of the winds; high and strong, devastating yet short, terrifying and lasting in the victims memories. Pets and people changed after a storm, it’s hard to imagine. The wind keeps blowing, day and night. There’s something torturous about it’s driving force. It must only be me. Others seem to be making due with the circumstances. The Christmas winds were nothing compared to this! The change in scenery will help me cope. I’m tired, I think I’ll nap. Wild is the wind.

Of course the preference is in the arriving. Beginnings are hope-filled. Things to do, people to see, are in the forefront of our thoughts. A sense of adventure stirs our inner longings to live abundantly.

When we are open, it is all a gift more readily enjoyed. Expectations based on entitlement are possessive and fraught with failure. The difference between the approach, the attitude decides the quality of the experience. Positive people enjoy everything, not so much the cynical ones. “Don’t worry, be happy “ — a simple sentiment that may be easy for some while difficult for others. Is the glass half full or half empty?

Island time serves as a reminder that it isn’t all about us. “Roll with it Baby” is where the secret good stuff dwells. Just around the corner “parting is such sweet sorrow“. Breathe deep and enjoy the journey, it is part of the whole experience whether we like it or not.

We sat at the Driftwood bar, having delivered one set of friends to the airport, and enjoyed a lamb shawarma with some of the best rum punch on the island. We waited for my parents to arrive and watched as their plane landed.

We found a comfortable pace to enjoy paradise together. My parents even did some restaurant exploring on their own. They have always loved Simpson Bay Resort and its close proximity to all their favorite haunts. We celebrated Christmas early at Izi’s, making it a family tradition. Over the years they’ve met our island friends and we tried to visit with as many as we could. The sail on the Enigma C3 was one of the highlights as well as something they really desired to do.

Departure happened as the protests began on the French side. We needed to vacate the resort and move, all on the same day. We made it to the airport but not to the French side. What a crazy day that was! We were sad to see them go after another island adventure. Thankfully, our friends took us in for the night. The next day we did make it to the French side with a little help from some more friends. Our family made it home safely to the cold and gray of the season. The next arrival would be more friends from the mainland — for a first time adventure here on St. Martin. The cycle continues.

Life is a Marathon not a Sprint. I don’t like running.

Just when we think we’ve done all our growing and learning in our childhood, we find out we have bad habits to unlearn and growth is a continual process.

Life has a way of settling a pace for us once we’ve chosen a track. Jobs, kids, commitments all keep us busy and distracted. We go with the flow until we wonder “why am I doing this”?

My body started to break down so I cut back the amount of cardio exercise. It continued. I gave up yoga, then all exercise. Trying to find answers, even medically, was exhausting. After failing to get any definitive results, I began to give up all together. I had tried less carbs more meat, less meat more veggies, no grains, less alcohol, and still gained weight and kept getting injured. Fear of injury kicked in and I became paralyzed. Where was the limit before I hurt myself? Maybe it would be better to give up and do nothing. Once my mind spiraled down to that message, it seemed like an impossibility to stop and change. “I don’t think so” had replaced “you can do this”.

I needed a spark, something positive — movement. Finding a better food choice, taking a walk, the number on the scale dropping slightly — a small amount of encouragement helped to reset the mind toward “I think I can”, “I can do better “, “I’m healthy and strong” ….all little mantras to focus on to help the reprogramming process. Telling myself I was sick only made me more sick.

I watched the same negative process take place in a family member and it was also a wake up call. Yet, those around us who need help cannot accept it. We become what we believe. That is why it is so hard once we’ve gone negative and it so important to tell ourselves a positive message. This is how we guard our heart and mind.

Giving up into the negative narrative in my head prevented me from living life to the full. Learning to let go of crippling thoughts opens the door for positive practices and ultimately results. When we’re happy with ourselves, we are a positive influence and certainly more fun to be around!

My island opportunity offers a wonderful outdoor lifestyle with no excuse for sitting around feeling sorry for myself. Look at the beautiful, inspiring surroundings! Walking, swimming, yoga, and volleyball are all available to me. Eating and drinking involves a bit more discipline.

It really is all in your head, that’s where it all starts. Exercise instructors, friends, family all offer positive words. Sometimes we’re not ready to receive them but they come back to us when we give them the chance. Messages and mantras of encouragement like: “a body in motion, stays in motion “, “you’re stronger then you think”, and one that may get to our very core, “ you’re worth it”.

Coasting along leaves the thought life unchecked. Bottoming out is never anyone’s intention, but can happen easily. Mindfulness and continually focusing on an intention will speak into better habits. This may come so easy to some, not for me. But it is attainable — if I can do it, so can you.

…

Shortly after writing the above, l came down with a stomach virus. Suddenly sharp cramping alerted me that vomiting was inevitable, which I did all night long. By morning my whole body had wrung itself out. I was desperately in need of water and sleep. Just in time for the new year I received a reset. When the stomach was completely empty I realized again how much food I’m actually eating. Pain brings awareness and caution, causing slower intake. Pausing along the way to wait for a reaction was more natural.

Chewing slowly with mindfulness and being in the moment is instructive. This allows time for the brain to register that hunger is being satiated. As a teen I had to eat fast because of working right after school. Who knew that eating speed could or would become a habit? Overeating happens so easily with speed! I’m glad that family sit-down dinners are also part of my history. The communal activity of eating together while connecting is truly something to be relished. Sweet memories for me often revolve around such gatherings.

2020 marked the end of a decade, a beginning of another, and a new year too. Reflecting back is a great way to tweak things going forward.

I will not give up.

I will let go of things that encumber and prevent me from achieving my goals.

Coasting is a bad idea.

I will be patient with myself as I sometimes stumble and not beat myself up.

I will trust with understanding that my body is working hard to heal itself and continues to be my vehicle in this beautiful thing called life.